Its been a long time.

Its been forever since I've sat down to blog. I was introduced to Tumblr and like it better. There I can say everything I need to with pictures instead of words. I'm not so good with words. I feel like no one actually reads this. I feel like no one cares to read it because I ramble about Ryan 98% of the time. He has just become such a big part of my life. I feel like I'm way too dependent on him. Its a disaster waiting to happen. Ugh, I'm talking about him again.
Nothing exciting has happened in my life. Things have gotten really monotonous. Even though it can be boring, theres just something comforting about a routine. However, im all for a little excitement if someone wants to throw some my way. Though excitement to me is not what other people my age consider exciting. I dont mean drinking and drugs. What I mean is someone to come over and have a movie marathon with me, coloring, building with legos, and going on some sort of adventure.
So Saturday I have Christmas with the Baker clan. I miss them terribly. But I dont want to have to deal with my dad. No, im sorry, my sperm donor, Wade. He lost the title of my father when he showed how big of an ass he is. I want to tell him to grow a pair and start being a father to my younger brothers. I dont want them to lose the relationship with him that I had to lose. I want them to always be daddys little boys. But im afraid he has already damaged their relationship. I wish he knew how to be a decent father and husband at the same time instead of just being a husband to that witch.

Long rant for nothing;

Let me just put something out in the open here. Its not like anyone reads this anyways;
When you are skinny as a kid, and everyone keeps telling you how skinny you are, you start to become proud of your skinny-ness. Every skinny comment becomes another point of happiness. But you never gloat because thats wrong. Its just an inner thought.
But teenage years hit. And just like everyone said, although you didnt believe them, your metabolism starts to catch up with you. You no longer can eat everything in sight and not gain any weight. You start looking down and noticing imperfections. "My stomach wasnt this big before..." "....this is getting out of control". Every negative thought runs through your head.
Anorexia, maybe? Starve yourself. Maybe a little binge eating here and there, but then you need to purge. Then theres the working out. Run until your legs feel like they might fall off. For some all that sounds like the best but then theres the few who cant bring themselves to, like myself. So what do you do?
Im still looking for that answer
I just want to be happy with the way I look
But then I read your blog Miranda, and am stuck wondering how your mind works
I dont even know you. I started reading your blog when Devin wanted me to a really long while back and havent stopped. Sometimes I find myself almost in tears because I want to hug you and try and help in any way I can, but you dont want help. You are content with how you do things. And that completely blows my mind. But I dont judge you for how you live, just to clarify.

Okay, enough of a rant.

People;

Im tired of being juvenile so heres exactly what I have to say to exactly who I have to say it to.

Austin- I no longer miss you. I used to miss you but not anymore. You hurt me. Sure I guess it wasnt fair of me to be so selfish, but whatever. And then when I saw your relationship status update and the comments below it I felt so stupid. How stupid was I to feel special? If only she knew what I did.

Jake- Please stop hating me. Its terrible for me to get a notification text when you get on blogtv and not be able to go on and talk to you because you want nothing to do with me anymore. I just want our friendship back. What can I do to prove im sorry for lying?

Devin- Im really running out of ways to get your attention. Its starting to seem like you just dont want anything to do with me. I want to be your friend. I miss being clued into what was going on in your life. When you told me everyting I felt like I had a purpose.

Casey- I am so sorry about what you are going through. I wish I could be of better help to you. But the truth is im honestly scared to death. I dont know how you can seem so brave about it at school. Id be completely broken.

Robert- I miss you. Lets get back to talking like we used to again. Thanks(:

Malcolm- Ditto ^^^^^^

Jamie- I think its about time you read my poem. You have become one of my closest friends and I know how easily that could be ruined. But I think its best if we broke off this friendship. I cant keep censoring every word I say for fear of upsetting you. I cant keep hiding if im sad or angry because you dont "appreciate bitchiness". Im sorry, but thats me, take it or leave it.

Throw some words;

So theres some things I have to say;

-Im trying. I really am. But it seems no matter how hard I try to get our friendship back you just push away. I miss you, I miss our friendship.But I dont know what else to do.

-We havent spoken since you told me I was a liar. I couldnt even defend myself because I did lie to you. But I swear I had the best of intentions. You can deny it all you want, but I know you would have treated me different had you known the truth. Either way I miss you. And it still hurts that you hate me.

-I love you so much. So so so much. I could go on and on for days about how much I love you. No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I never want to lose this feeling

-Ive never spoken to you a day in my life. You intrigue yet disgust me. This is something new.....

Blahblahblahblah;

I just want to hug you.
And you.

I HATE being sick :/

Let the tears fall;

Im losing my freaking mind in this house
I cant stay here
I can feel myself backsliding
I dont want to go to darkness again
I want to stay happy

Go away;

Surrounded by so many people
And im all alone
They all stand in a circle
And im stuck in the outskirts
I dont belong so im excluded
Thats what its like everyday
And I dont like it