Ive left my heart with you

I spoke to Casey today.
God I miss her.
It hurts.
I feel really broken.

Still dont know what to get Ryan
Helloooooo crappiest girlfriend award

Hey long lost friend.

December 28th.
Thats the last time I wrote here.
I kind of miss blogging
I got out everything
But at the same time re-reading that made me sad
Ive lost so much since December
I lost Casey, my best friend
Who I loved so much
Now I have no one
I mean, I have Ryan and a few "friends"
But no one I can turn to and talk to
She was the only one who knew everything
Everything dark that im too scared to tell anyone else
As much as I tell myself it was the right thing to do to let her go
I still am hurt everytime I see how much fun you are having with Lidia and Levi
Its like I never even mattered
Like you never existed

I want out of VHS
But mother refuses
She doesnt know whats going on
And I just cant tell her
So ill probably be stuck
Hating everything
The only reason i would stay is for Ryan

Speaking of, Wednesday is one year
Scary shit.

Take me away, to a place without pain.

Have you ever just hated yourself so much?
I have.
I do.

I dont even know what to do anymore.

I have two friends.
Thats it.

I pushed one away.
Like I knew I would.
And the rest decided I was a bad person.
Which I suppose I am.
It just hurts.

But thank you Adrian for somehow making me smile
You wont even read this
But thank you
Really

Good job you fuck-up.

Her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic.

So a lots been going on.
I suppose.

My father remembered I existed and called me
I told him I was sick and couldn't talk on the phone
I didn't want to hear him tell me he left Amy, again, and wanted to go have lunch
So I asked him to text me
He invited me to his house for Christmas Eve
I said yes, mainly because that whole side of my family will be there
I miss them terribly
And mother got all pissed
She doesn't like how he never cares and then one day every couple months he just decides to be a part of my life
It upsets me too
But hey, hes the idiot who only cares on holidays where I get presents
Ive decided to make the best of it

On a lighter note, Ryan's house was really fun
His mom is so cool
I felt extremely awkward being in his room though, haha
But I got over it
I'm glad I have the friends I do <3

Now on an aggravated note
ALL my friends seem to hate one of my other friends
Literally, all of them
And it gets me so mad
I mean I know not everyone can like him, but at least have the decency to not bash him in front of me
Its just plain rude
I wish I could just make it all stop
Make all the mean and hurt just go away
I don't posses that power, however.

I am really dreading school tomorrow
I haven't done any geometry homework
If I go missing, check Mrs.Dobsons closet.
I should really stop being such a slacker
I just stopped caring about school and grades and everything
Really great Tory. Really great.

Dont cry to me, if you loved me, you would be here with me

Thanks for dedicating, yet another one of your blogs, to me.
I have kept my distance
I have held back my mean words
Yet you keep talking about me!
I really don't get it.
You said I needed to grow up, so I did
I grew up and let the situation blow over
And here you are bringing it back up again.
I just cant win.
No, I never liked you
No, I never wanted to like you
I cant help my instincts
And turns outs they were pretty correct.
But whatever, my instincts tell me something else
And that is that you will soon be out of my life and I wont have to deal with this anymore
Honestly, I don't deserve it.
I may not be a good person, but I definitely don't deserve this
And even if I did, its not really up to you to make sure I get it
Now is it?

Now moving on to a different person;
You are really starting to aggravate me.
You really see no wrong in what you are doing
I'm trying to look out for you
But your "love" is keeping you from seeing the truth
Many see it
Just not you
No, you aren't willing to see it

Well that's my speel
I'm really liking weightlifting
Besides the whole my body hurts every time I move
Well that's about it.
Buhbye.

She screams but no one hears her.

Im beyond words right now.
Theres so much I want to say
But everytime I open my mouth, I lose one more friend.
I only have a couple left.
I need to hold on to them.
So thank you for taking them away from me.
Im trying so hard not to scream in your face.
Because I know you are so beyond wrong
Not saying im right, but you are wrong.
I have the texts to prove it.
But im going to stay silent.
Keep emo.
Because thats your new thing, im emo.
Nothing I do pleases you.
Maybe if I died you would finally be happy.
Just maybe.

The cuts are deep, but they will heal. I hope.

Well.
Things were starting to fall back into place.
I felt completely happy with myself and my life again
I missed that so much
But of course, nothing good lasts for long
You tore my whole life into bits again
And you were one of the last people i expected to do it
Then to make matters worse
There's someone who watched it all go down
And could have done something
But you didn't
I know why you didn't, but I expected better out of you
I would never have let something like this happen to you
Never.
Its amazing how "love" clouds our eyes
You are setting yourself up to get hurt
Its not love. I promise you that.
But ill keep my mouth shut because I want you to be happy
I'm not going to be the reason you aren't happy
I refuse to make you go through what i have had to go through
I'm stuck.

Oh and high school really sucks.