Open your eyes, open your heart

Every time im feeling like crap, I just have to hang out with Ryan and I feel great again
He can make me feel so special
Its totally amazing
I had such a great time being with him yesterday
We just laid there
So close, but not close enough
I feel like I can never get close enough to him
I was always so afraid to really look him in the eyes
I was afraid he would see how weak I am
That im not as strong as I make myself look
But I let all of that go
I cant hold back anymore
I love him more then I thought I could ever love someone
Im not screwing this up
I need him
He has become my everything
And I dont care how cliche that sounds
I need to stop worrying so much about things
I love him, thats that, and thats all that matters

Another day;

Im tired of getting reminded how much I suck
Im tired of not having any legit friends
Its another night that im stuck at home
While Ryan is out with his friends
Oh fantastic

I hate cramps
I feel sick

I love you

Uncool like you;

Im such a weird person.

SO.
Caseys back in the picture. *SHOCKER*
We had a girls night and it felt great to know I actually DO have friends
But things seem so different
Im still having a hard time wrapping my head around it
A few months ago you laughed when Levi tried making out with you
Now you are passing me
Me and Ryan have been dating almost 15 months
I feel like a failure
Like ive failed as a girlfriend
Even if Ryan says its okay how slow I move, I know it bothers him
I feel like everyone around me is moving and im stuck in one spot
WHY CANT YOU JUST TAKE THAT NEXT STEP TORY?!
Im a little kid stuck in a 15 year olds body
Personally im okay with that, but it cant be that way
God, when did things become all about sex?
I feel like ive lost sight of who I am
Of what I stand for
Im getting caught up in everything
Im a mess.
Im going insane
I miss middle school

Rants are wonderful;

Its summer and all I do all summer is sit here doing nothing
I eat 10 times more then I should, but I dont care
I should care because I need to keep weight for weightlifting
But I have time to work out
I say I will, but I know I wont
I have a fear of gettig fat
But its not bad enough to turn into an eating disorder
I love food and eating wayyy too much
Though I used to say I loved myself too much to even consider harming myself
But thats a different story
Anyways, there was a point in all of this
Since I have no life I read other peoples blogs
So I can see how thier life is
After reading some peoples, heres some stuff I have to say


Drugs-Dont make you cool. They are super gross and can really mess a person up. Getting high may make you feel on top of the world for a little, but in the end what do you really get out of it? You become addicted. You let drugs lead your life. What kind of life is that?

Drinking-Why cant people just wait until they are 21? Its really not that big of a deal. Its only a few years. Drinking compromises your thinking. You do things drunk you may very well regret sober. Im not trying to preach here but its just so stupid.

Cutting-When I see that people are cutting it makes me so sad. I just want to hug them and tell them they dont need a blade. Im willing to listen. I wont judge you, I promise. Ive told you this before, even though you dont know it was me, I think your scars make you beautiful.

You-You need some major help. Eating disorder, cutting, drugs, abuse. Its not healthy. You truly believe the blade brings you ultimate happiness and thats completly twisted. You dont even know that I know these things.

You-Your decisions are getting more stupid every time you make one.

Blah, im done here I guess
This world is so effed up
If 2012 is real, we deserve it
Hey aliens, have I given you enough info? Have I done a good enough job screwing up?

Why do things like this happen?

She's dying.
Her cancer has gotten way worse.
The doctors havent given her long.
She has three choices and she is leaning toward just giving up.
When you texted me and told me that my heart just stopped.
I almost cried.
She isnt even my mom and I feel like ive been stabbed.
This isnt fair.
I told you to be strong.
I told you to trust in her descision.
But I cant even take my own advice.
On Thursday you will be telling me what she decides.
Im scared.

Letting out my thoughts;

-You really have no clue how much you mean to me. I would do anything for you. Ive never loved anyone like I love you. Im still trying to figure how all this happened. I swore id never give someone the chance the chance to break my heart. I dont want to end up like my mom and dad. But I really believe you wont hurt me. I believe Friday proved that. You put a lot of effort into making sure I was okay with what went down. When we were laying down and you whispered you loved me there was no doubt in my mind that you were sincere. Thank you, you dont realize this, but you saved me. I love you. Always will

-Im sorry for the way everyone was acting at lunch Friday. I wanted nothing more then to join in, but I could see it was really upsetting you. We just really care about you. I hope you see that. I want to believe that she wont hurt you again. I want to believe she really has changed. But I just cant believe it. She is too set in her ways to change. I told you id trust you and im trying hard to stay true to my word. Just please, please, be careful.

-When you had Leighton give me back the notebook and I read it I very nearly threw it in the trash. I wanted to soooo badly. But I didnt because when im down, I know ill need some reminder that we did once have a really great friendship. You swear up and down you didnt replace me, yet you and Lidia went to Disney. Disney. It hurt a little seeing that. I still have your updates to my phone, god only knows why. Im taking you off my subscription list today. I need to let go a little at a time. I changed my mind, this is goodbye, because I cant fully let go if I dont say goodbye.

Call me a name, kill me with words;

Wow. I suck at this whole thing.

Well.
Me and Casey started talking again after that last post.
But it didnt feel the same.
Then she just dropped me again.
Ive stopped missing her.
Which I suppose is good.
But if its good, then why do I feel like a part of me is gone?

Ryan is the ONLY thing that keeps me going anymore.
God I love him.
I dont think he even gets how much I care for him.

Mothers being so stubborn.
I really really really need virtual school next year.
But she wont even consider it.
I really just cant do it anymore.
And she doesnt get it.
At all.
Shes pushing me too far to the edge.


Im scared.