Letting out my thoughts;

-You really have no clue how much you mean to me. I would do anything for you. Ive never loved anyone like I love you. Im still trying to figure how all this happened. I swore id never give someone the chance the chance to break my heart. I dont want to end up like my mom and dad. But I really believe you wont hurt me. I believe Friday proved that. You put a lot of effort into making sure I was okay with what went down. When we were laying down and you whispered you loved me there was no doubt in my mind that you were sincere. Thank you, you dont realize this, but you saved me. I love you. Always will

-Im sorry for the way everyone was acting at lunch Friday. I wanted nothing more then to join in, but I could see it was really upsetting you. We just really care about you. I hope you see that. I want to believe that she wont hurt you again. I want to believe she really has changed. But I just cant believe it. She is too set in her ways to change. I told you id trust you and im trying hard to stay true to my word. Just please, please, be careful.

-When you had Leighton give me back the notebook and I read it I very nearly threw it in the trash. I wanted to soooo badly. But I didnt because when im down, I know ill need some reminder that we did once have a really great friendship. You swear up and down you didnt replace me, yet you and Lidia went to Disney. Disney. It hurt a little seeing that. I still have your updates to my phone, god only knows why. Im taking you off my subscription list today. I need to let go a little at a time. I changed my mind, this is goodbye, because I cant fully let go if I dont say goodbye.

Call me a name, kill me with words;

Wow. I suck at this whole thing.

Well.
Me and Casey started talking again after that last post.
But it didnt feel the same.
Then she just dropped me again.
Ive stopped missing her.
Which I suppose is good.
But if its good, then why do I feel like a part of me is gone?

Ryan is the ONLY thing that keeps me going anymore.
God I love him.
I dont think he even gets how much I care for him.

Mothers being so stubborn.
I really really really need virtual school next year.
But she wont even consider it.
I really just cant do it anymore.
And she doesnt get it.
At all.
Shes pushing me too far to the edge.


Im scared.

Ive left my heart with you

I spoke to Casey today.
God I miss her.
It hurts.
I feel really broken.

Still dont know what to get Ryan
Helloooooo crappiest girlfriend award

Hey long lost friend.

December 28th.
Thats the last time I wrote here.
I kind of miss blogging
I got out everything
But at the same time re-reading that made me sad
Ive lost so much since December
I lost Casey, my best friend
Who I loved so much
Now I have no one
I mean, I have Ryan and a few "friends"
But no one I can turn to and talk to
She was the only one who knew everything
Everything dark that im too scared to tell anyone else
As much as I tell myself it was the right thing to do to let her go
I still am hurt everytime I see how much fun you are having with Lidia and Levi
Its like I never even mattered
Like you never existed

I want out of VHS
But mother refuses
She doesnt know whats going on
And I just cant tell her
So ill probably be stuck
Hating everything
The only reason i would stay is for Ryan

Speaking of, Wednesday is one year
Scary shit.

Take me away, to a place without pain.

Have you ever just hated yourself so much?
I have.
I do.

I dont even know what to do anymore.

I have two friends.
Thats it.

I pushed one away.
Like I knew I would.
And the rest decided I was a bad person.
Which I suppose I am.
It just hurts.

But thank you Adrian for somehow making me smile
You wont even read this
But thank you
Really

Good job you fuck-up.

Her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic.

So a lots been going on.
I suppose.

My father remembered I existed and called me
I told him I was sick and couldn't talk on the phone
I didn't want to hear him tell me he left Amy, again, and wanted to go have lunch
So I asked him to text me
He invited me to his house for Christmas Eve
I said yes, mainly because that whole side of my family will be there
I miss them terribly
And mother got all pissed
She doesn't like how he never cares and then one day every couple months he just decides to be a part of my life
It upsets me too
But hey, hes the idiot who only cares on holidays where I get presents
Ive decided to make the best of it

On a lighter note, Ryan's house was really fun
His mom is so cool
I felt extremely awkward being in his room though, haha
But I got over it
I'm glad I have the friends I do <3

Now on an aggravated note
ALL my friends seem to hate one of my other friends
Literally, all of them
And it gets me so mad
I mean I know not everyone can like him, but at least have the decency to not bash him in front of me
Its just plain rude
I wish I could just make it all stop
Make all the mean and hurt just go away
I don't posses that power, however.

I am really dreading school tomorrow
I haven't done any geometry homework
If I go missing, check Mrs.Dobsons closet.
I should really stop being such a slacker
I just stopped caring about school and grades and everything
Really great Tory. Really great.

Dont cry to me, if you loved me, you would be here with me

Thanks for dedicating, yet another one of your blogs, to me.
I have kept my distance
I have held back my mean words
Yet you keep talking about me!
I really don't get it.
You said I needed to grow up, so I did
I grew up and let the situation blow over
And here you are bringing it back up again.
I just cant win.
No, I never liked you
No, I never wanted to like you
I cant help my instincts
And turns outs they were pretty correct.
But whatever, my instincts tell me something else
And that is that you will soon be out of my life and I wont have to deal with this anymore
Honestly, I don't deserve it.
I may not be a good person, but I definitely don't deserve this
And even if I did, its not really up to you to make sure I get it
Now is it?

Now moving on to a different person;
You are really starting to aggravate me.
You really see no wrong in what you are doing
I'm trying to look out for you
But your "love" is keeping you from seeing the truth
Many see it
Just not you
No, you aren't willing to see it

Well that's my speel
I'm really liking weightlifting
Besides the whole my body hurts every time I move
Well that's about it.
Buhbye.