Take me away, to a place without pain.

Have you ever just hated yourself so much?
I have.
I do.

I dont even know what to do anymore.

I have two friends.
Thats it.

I pushed one away.
Like I knew I would.
And the rest decided I was a bad person.
Which I suppose I am.
It just hurts.

But thank you Adrian for somehow making me smile
You wont even read this
But thank you
Really

Good job you fuck-up.

Her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic.

So a lots been going on.
I suppose.

My father remembered I existed and called me
I told him I was sick and couldn't talk on the phone
I didn't want to hear him tell me he left Amy, again, and wanted to go have lunch
So I asked him to text me
He invited me to his house for Christmas Eve
I said yes, mainly because that whole side of my family will be there
I miss them terribly
And mother got all pissed
She doesn't like how he never cares and then one day every couple months he just decides to be a part of my life
It upsets me too
But hey, hes the idiot who only cares on holidays where I get presents
Ive decided to make the best of it

On a lighter note, Ryan's house was really fun
His mom is so cool
I felt extremely awkward being in his room though, haha
But I got over it
I'm glad I have the friends I do <3

Now on an aggravated note
ALL my friends seem to hate one of my other friends
Literally, all of them
And it gets me so mad
I mean I know not everyone can like him, but at least have the decency to not bash him in front of me
Its just plain rude
I wish I could just make it all stop
Make all the mean and hurt just go away
I don't posses that power, however.

I am really dreading school tomorrow
I haven't done any geometry homework
If I go missing, check Mrs.Dobsons closet.
I should really stop being such a slacker
I just stopped caring about school and grades and everything
Really great Tory. Really great.

Dont cry to me, if you loved me, you would be here with me

Thanks for dedicating, yet another one of your blogs, to me.
I have kept my distance
I have held back my mean words
Yet you keep talking about me!
I really don't get it.
You said I needed to grow up, so I did
I grew up and let the situation blow over
And here you are bringing it back up again.
I just cant win.
No, I never liked you
No, I never wanted to like you
I cant help my instincts
And turns outs they were pretty correct.
But whatever, my instincts tell me something else
And that is that you will soon be out of my life and I wont have to deal with this anymore
Honestly, I don't deserve it.
I may not be a good person, but I definitely don't deserve this
And even if I did, its not really up to you to make sure I get it
Now is it?

Now moving on to a different person;
You are really starting to aggravate me.
You really see no wrong in what you are doing
I'm trying to look out for you
But your "love" is keeping you from seeing the truth
Many see it
Just not you
No, you aren't willing to see it

Well that's my speel
I'm really liking weightlifting
Besides the whole my body hurts every time I move
Well that's about it.
Buhbye.

She screams but no one hears her.

Im beyond words right now.
Theres so much I want to say
But everytime I open my mouth, I lose one more friend.
I only have a couple left.
I need to hold on to them.
So thank you for taking them away from me.
Im trying so hard not to scream in your face.
Because I know you are so beyond wrong
Not saying im right, but you are wrong.
I have the texts to prove it.
But im going to stay silent.
Keep emo.
Because thats your new thing, im emo.
Nothing I do pleases you.
Maybe if I died you would finally be happy.
Just maybe.

The cuts are deep, but they will heal. I hope.

Well.
Things were starting to fall back into place.
I felt completely happy with myself and my life again
I missed that so much
But of course, nothing good lasts for long
You tore my whole life into bits again
And you were one of the last people i expected to do it
Then to make matters worse
There's someone who watched it all go down
And could have done something
But you didn't
I know why you didn't, but I expected better out of you
I would never have let something like this happen to you
Never.
Its amazing how "love" clouds our eyes
You are setting yourself up to get hurt
Its not love. I promise you that.
But ill keep my mouth shut because I want you to be happy
I'm not going to be the reason you aren't happy
I refuse to make you go through what i have had to go through
I'm stuck.

Oh and high school really sucks.

Let the bodies hit the floor.

Woah it's been a while.
I just don't know what to write about.
I have been very up and down lately.
Things have gotten a bit confusing.
But at the same time amazing.
I'm stuck.
And every one is telling me different things.
I don't know what to do D:

I flipping love Degrassi
Its like my cocaine
But I always was like
"This stuff just doesn't happen"
"Its a MAJOR exaggeration"
And it is.
But some of that shit is real.
I'm not going to go into detail, but one I recently saw was very close to my confusing situation
(NO I DON'T SEXT!)
And so now I solely believe in Degrassi even more.

I just watched Nick and Norah
For the twenty-thousandth time
I just love that movie
I was supposed to be doing geometry
PSH. I give up at school.

Jane Doe, I dont think I know you but I know, fersho, that you are beautiful

I cant wait until Christofer Drew posts that song.
Its one of my all time favorites.

Tomorrow is breast cancer awareness day er something.
So we have to wear something pink.
I'm wearing my pink skinnies
And my red Pokemon shirt.
My mother says they don't match,
But screw it.

I had some much crap to do last night.
I'm really not doing to well at this whole "high school" thing

You know the power rangers?
They are my heroes.
Not the new age ones with wings and shit
I'm talking old school
Those were the good old days
I always wanted to be the blue one.
<3

I may have been blushing beyond belief
But the roses made me feel special,
Feel wanted
Thank you.

Im sorry just isnt enough this time.

I didn't get a chance to write last night.
I didn't really have anything to say anyways.
But here goes my lame attempt at something.
I'm really trying.
I'm trying to be happy.
To make things the way they used to.
And every time I think I'm getting there,
I get told I'm not.
Nice to know I've failed you too.

Oh and you sicken me.
I know its wrong.
But you do.
Just stop.
I'm glad everyone else thinks its cute,
I find it disgusting.
So, go ahead I cant stop you from saying it.
But I refuse to hear any of it anymore.

Tomorrow is 10/14/09.
Some may know what that is.
Its six months.
And I'm scared as freaking balls.
I honestly don't want to go to school tomorrow.
Yeah, horrible.
I don't see the point in celebrating such things.
Just love each other.
That's enough for me.
But then again,
I'm a crappy girlfriend.
So wtf would I know, right?

I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar.

Before you go reading this post I have something to say.
I'm not posting this so people can judge me.
Ive already got enough of that
So when you read these posts
Don't turn around and tell me I'm over reacting
Or I'm depressing
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I EFFING FEEL LIKE
Don't like it?
Tough balls.
Get off my blog.
This is more for me then you anyways.
With that said.
Still in a down mood.
Ive talked to tons of my friends
Seems I've been doing a crappy job at seeming happy at school
They have all noticed
Noticed that I haven't been happy
Even since before school started
I wish I could turn back time
See why things got all screwy.
I'm not sure but I wish I knew
I wish I knew how to make it better
I cant even talk to people because I cant explain how I feel
I just know how I feel
And it isn't good.
Please help me.

So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?

So basically,
I'm in a shitty mood.
I don't know why.
I just am.
I hate when this happens.
This wave of down-ness just washes over me.
Its not fair.
I want to make it go away.
I haven't yet found a cure.
I don't even want to hang out with my friends.
I don't want to text.
It was a chore to even type this.
All I want to do is lay down in a ball and sleep for days.
But I'm not like "tired".
I don't get it.

We'll speak of what a waste I am.

So i forgot to post one yesterday.
Well no, didn't forget.
I just had too much homework :/
Like I said, last days of the week are busy.
There was a game tonight.
And guess who wasn't there?
Yeah, me.
But I stayed home so my mom didn't have to be alone.
I feel I did my good deed for a while.
Those don't happen to often for me.
But two good things did happen tonight.
I wish I could have been there to witness.
But I will live (:
This week was so stressful with that big project.
Yet it flew by.
This year has flown by.
Like seriously, almost report card time.
I feel I'm doing pretty well.
Lets cross our fingers.
Anyways there wasn't much that needed to be said.
Just wanted to post.
Mkaythanksbye.
(:

You gave me butterflies, at the mailbox.

WELL HAY THERE (:
Remotely good mood today.
Besides this stupid project :/
I'm taking a mental relaxation break.
(Actually I just wanted to sound smart).
Anyways,
Today was okay.
But Ive come to realize something about high school.
And that is that there's good days (Not much hw)
And bad days (TONS of hw)
The bad days usually come at the end of the week
Because I procrastinate like friggen crazyyyy.
(I almost put procreate) (Which i DON'T do like crazy)
I suppose I should get back to the time lines
But I don't wanna just yet.
Jamming to music has been my one stress reliever.
You should try it some time.
Just some friendly advice (:
Well I guess I should go.....
PeaceToYoMomma.
<3

This is what it takes.

I feel like I should explain my last little post.
I am human,
(Despite what some of you may have heard)
And I make mistakes.
Not only do I make mistakes,
I say things out of anger.
Which is exactly what I did last night.
I think I was mainly upset with myself.
First off,
The whole friend thing is fixed.
I didn't give him enough credit (:
And second,
My mother may be strict and suck a lot of the time
(That's what she said.)(Sorry, old and lame.)
But she has always been there when my father has only cared about my step mom
So thanks mom, I don't think I say it enough.

WITH THAT SAID!

Today was pretty good (:
Casey told me I got to pick who raped me
So, yay?
But then technically its not rape if I'm willing...
Ive found a flaw in your plan (:

Plus I beat her and James with spidey.
He is so useful.
And I'm reading this really good book called "Th1rteen r3easons why"
The only thing is its about a girl, Hannah BAKER
Who kills herself DX
And I had to write a poem about it in Spanish
It was creepy o_O
Just like my story for English
I seem to write good suicide stories
(No one be concerned I love myself too much to hurt myself)
(Why yes, I AM that conceited)
(:
Anymore questions?

LiarLiarPantsOnBackwards.

Originally my plan had been to post a blog a day.
But a lot has happened since my blog earlier.
You would think such things were impossible,
But my life has been quite hectic lately.

I told the truth.
I thought it was supposed to make everything better!
But no, I lost a friend.
A really freaking great friend.
FML.

And then mom went on a rampage because I was complaining about my father.
My father who only needs my step-mom, doesn't need me anymore.
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DESERVE PARENT OF THE YEAR MOM.
Sure, you have stuck by me always, but by no means are you a 100% perfect mom.
Yeah, I know, harsh.
Right now I don't really care.

Are you sure you really mean it.

Well hello blog.
Today was a pretty great day.
Well actually, it sucked, until after the bell rang.
Then the day was pretty much fantastic <3
And I don't care what anyone says, Adrian and James DO smell the same (:
Wow, my first blog that I've been in a good mood.
This is just becoming such a great day.

The only bad thing is that I still need to talk to (___) and tell him the truth.
But every time I try, he logs off.
I really need to tell the truth.
Its scary though.
I'm not sure how he will react. :/
But time to get some balls.
Well. Not literally. I'm a girl.
That's anatomically incorrect.
Unless you're Lady Gaga.....
EW.

ANYWAYS.
Just thought id show you that I do have a non-depressive side.
Occasionally.....
(:

I dont party like I used to, I party twice as much as before.

Ive been blogging for all of two days.
And its been pretty fun.
I'm actually excited to just let it all out.
The excitement will most likely wear off soon.
I get bored easily :/

Anyways, I've realized that I'm selfish.
Go figure.

Besides that, life's been okay.
Ups and downs but I've got amazing friends.
Last night I realized that my life is not as f-ed up as it may seem at times.
I heard something that made me be thankful for what I have.
Thank you(______) for cheering me up and being open with me by the way.

Im so over you now.

Ive got a lot of sh*t going on right now.
I'm so afraid of ending up all alone.
Destined to be like my mother.
That scares me more then you could ever know.

On the bright side I think I have finally found someone who is just as screwed up as me.
That makes me feel good that I'm not alone in this.
Though that is a whole different problem that I'm not going to get into.

Ive been crying a lot lately because things have just gotten so out of control.
Things aren't supposed to be this way.
What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing that I'm aware of.
But obviously someones got it out for me.

Slit wrists, sleeping with the girl next door.

This is my first blog. Obviously.
So let me introduce myself,
Im Tory.
My family is so dysfunctional.
And I speak my mind.
You will soon realize this.
Thats all for now.