Its been a long time.

Its been forever since I've sat down to blog. I was introduced to Tumblr and like it better. There I can say everything I need to with pictures instead of words. I'm not so good with words. I feel like no one actually reads this. I feel like no one cares to read it because I ramble about Ryan 98% of the time. He has just become such a big part of my life. I feel like I'm way too dependent on him. Its a disaster waiting to happen. Ugh, I'm talking about him again.
Nothing exciting has happened in my life. Things have gotten really monotonous. Even though it can be boring, theres just something comforting about a routine. However, im all for a little excitement if someone wants to throw some my way. Though excitement to me is not what other people my age consider exciting. I dont mean drinking and drugs. What I mean is someone to come over and have a movie marathon with me, coloring, building with legos, and going on some sort of adventure.
So Saturday I have Christmas with the Baker clan. I miss them terribly. But I dont want to have to deal with my dad. No, im sorry, my sperm donor, Wade. He lost the title of my father when he showed how big of an ass he is. I want to tell him to grow a pair and start being a father to my younger brothers. I dont want them to lose the relationship with him that I had to lose. I want them to always be daddys little boys. But im afraid he has already damaged their relationship. I wish he knew how to be a decent father and husband at the same time instead of just being a husband to that witch.

Long rant for nothing;

Let me just put something out in the open here. Its not like anyone reads this anyways;
When you are skinny as a kid, and everyone keeps telling you how skinny you are, you start to become proud of your skinny-ness. Every skinny comment becomes another point of happiness. But you never gloat because thats wrong. Its just an inner thought.
But teenage years hit. And just like everyone said, although you didnt believe them, your metabolism starts to catch up with you. You no longer can eat everything in sight and not gain any weight. You start looking down and noticing imperfections. "My stomach wasnt this big before..." "....this is getting out of control". Every negative thought runs through your head.
Anorexia, maybe? Starve yourself. Maybe a little binge eating here and there, but then you need to purge. Then theres the working out. Run until your legs feel like they might fall off. For some all that sounds like the best but then theres the few who cant bring themselves to, like myself. So what do you do?
Im still looking for that answer
I just want to be happy with the way I look
But then I read your blog Miranda, and am stuck wondering how your mind works
I dont even know you. I started reading your blog when Devin wanted me to a really long while back and havent stopped. Sometimes I find myself almost in tears because I want to hug you and try and help in any way I can, but you dont want help. You are content with how you do things. And that completely blows my mind. But I dont judge you for how you live, just to clarify.

Okay, enough of a rant.

People;

Im tired of being juvenile so heres exactly what I have to say to exactly who I have to say it to.

Austin- I no longer miss you. I used to miss you but not anymore. You hurt me. Sure I guess it wasnt fair of me to be so selfish, but whatever. And then when I saw your relationship status update and the comments below it I felt so stupid. How stupid was I to feel special? If only she knew what I did.

Jake- Please stop hating me. Its terrible for me to get a notification text when you get on blogtv and not be able to go on and talk to you because you want nothing to do with me anymore. I just want our friendship back. What can I do to prove im sorry for lying?

Devin- Im really running out of ways to get your attention. Its starting to seem like you just dont want anything to do with me. I want to be your friend. I miss being clued into what was going on in your life. When you told me everyting I felt like I had a purpose.

Casey- I am so sorry about what you are going through. I wish I could be of better help to you. But the truth is im honestly scared to death. I dont know how you can seem so brave about it at school. Id be completely broken.

Robert- I miss you. Lets get back to talking like we used to again. Thanks(:

Malcolm- Ditto ^^^^^^

Jamie- I think its about time you read my poem. You have become one of my closest friends and I know how easily that could be ruined. But I think its best if we broke off this friendship. I cant keep censoring every word I say for fear of upsetting you. I cant keep hiding if im sad or angry because you dont "appreciate bitchiness". Im sorry, but thats me, take it or leave it.

Throw some words;

So theres some things I have to say;

-Im trying. I really am. But it seems no matter how hard I try to get our friendship back you just push away. I miss you, I miss our friendship.But I dont know what else to do.

-We havent spoken since you told me I was a liar. I couldnt even defend myself because I did lie to you. But I swear I had the best of intentions. You can deny it all you want, but I know you would have treated me different had you known the truth. Either way I miss you. And it still hurts that you hate me.

-I love you so much. So so so much. I could go on and on for days about how much I love you. No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I never want to lose this feeling

-Ive never spoken to you a day in my life. You intrigue yet disgust me. This is something new.....

Blahblahblahblah;

I just want to hug you.
And you.

I HATE being sick :/

Let the tears fall;

Im losing my freaking mind in this house
I cant stay here
I can feel myself backsliding
I dont want to go to darkness again
I want to stay happy

Go away;

Surrounded by so many people
And im all alone
They all stand in a circle
And im stuck in the outskirts
I dont belong so im excluded
Thats what its like everyday
And I dont like it

Ive found the cure to growing older;

And you're the only place that feels like home

We drove past Ju-Ju's grave today
I didnt even know him
Since he died when I was a few months old
But I feel really connected to him
Everyone knew him
And everyone is so fond of him
No one has one bad thing to say about him
Hearing my mom talk about him made me want to cry
The way she talked about him was...hard to explain I guess
I wish I had knew him

That dream last night was too weird
Im still confused
Was it just random?
Or did it have a deeper meaning?
Im deciding to ignore it either way
I think thats probably best.....

Lies lies and more lies;

"Wade says hey and he loves you"

That keeps popping up in my head
"he loves you"
If my dad loves me,
Then why havent I talked to or seen him in months?
Why doesnt he act like he cares about me?
Im just a small speck in the back of his mind
Completely unwanted

Again today I was reminded of how much I dont fit in
I want to fit in somewhat....
But at the same time I dont want to forget who I am
And what I stand for
Blah, I suck

Oh and I need to figure out a way to stop the roller coaster
But I have to be careful not to de-rail it
Fantastic.....

Sophomores FTW?;

So today was actually really decent
I was so nervous
But it ended up okay
I remember this day last year
I was texting my mom almost in tears asking her to pick me up
She didnt, of course
But I knew it was all downhill from there
I have a feeling this year will be good
Atleast I hope so
Ive finally found hapiness and im NOT giving it up without a fight
I refuse

On a different note my weight is getting out of control
Ive hit 106
I need to start working out again
But I am not giving up my food
I love food far too much<3
Infact, theres a canoli calling my name in the fridge
Hellooooooo(:

Dont waste your time on me;

you're already the voice inside my head.
I miss you.

I feel like I've lost you
Like you are too far gone for me to get you back
You were a great friend to me
Now you have changed so much
You aren't the same at all
Maybe its all for the best
But I still read your blogs
Hoping maybe you might mention me
Though I know that wont happen
Its still nice to hope

I hate seeing a movie or a show that has the same situation you are in
And everything works out perfectly there
But in your own life things aren't so great
In real life there isn't always happy endings
Or at least they don't come without pain
Ive had my happy ending all along I suppose
I'm just wrecking it myself
Self destruction
I'm getting really good at that
Maybe I'm too far over my head at this point

Oh and yesterday was fantastic
I love you Ryan<3

Lets watch the stars together;

And lay here side by side

I wrote happy poetry
And it felt great
It still sucked
But it felt great to write
So thank you(:
Really

Spill your guts, kid;

Ive written out my secret on a postcard
One of them anyways
Its all ready to go, but I cant bring myself to put it in the mailbox
Its so boring
Looking at all the other secrets on postsecret, I feel mine isnt worthy to even be sent in
Maybe im making excuses
Maybe im scared
No, thats it
Im scared
I think ill take it to Barnes and Nobles
And leave it in a postsecret book
That sounds better to me
And maybe, just maybe someone will see it
And that someone will be able to relate
It could happen

On a different note;
Im seeing Ryan tomorrow<3

You make me happy;

Whether you know it or not
We should be happy, thats what I said from the start
I am so happy
Knowing you are the one that I want for the rest of my days
Yeah, all of my days

Ah, I love Ryan so much<3
He makes me so incredibly happy
Hanging out with him is so fantastic
Cause he is super duper amazing and wonderful and perfect<33333
Theres nothing quite like the feeling of our lips first touching
Im so lame :/
But he just makes me so happy
Even if he refuses to watch Enchanted :p
Hopefully I can hang out with him thursday
So I can see him again before I leave next Sunday
I wanted to see him the day before I leave
But mom said shes gonna be super busy
I probably will be too
But I still wanted to
Im going to miss him so much :/
He is all I will be able to think about
Atleast I will have his jacket<3

My hair is officially going to be red at 1:15 on Tuesday
Siked, yet scared
I hope it looks decent.....

What is love?;

In a sitch like this you've gotta think
And I dont think you think about the way she thinks
And I know you're oh so sorry dad
And I surely believe that you're a better man

Wait, do I?

So im bored as balls
Blehhhhh
Yeah, im cool
Not.
Oh well, I like being uncool
Its a lot less work
Hey, all you people who (think you) are cool;
(Aka, 90% of my school)
Drown in your fake personality
Kay thanks(:

Im so judgemental
But I dont really care
If you suck, im most likely going to tell you that you suck
That way maybe you can stop sucking
I shouldnt talk, I suck

I get to see Ryan tomorrowwwwwwwwwwwwwww! :D
Im radiating happiness(:
LIKE WOAH
Oh goodness
Im gonna shut up now

You're just a little bit camera shy;

But you're still a star

You know summers coming to an end when you have to go to the school store to get more uniform shirts
GROSS
Im so not looking forward to school
The only upside is getting to see Ryan daily again
But still :/
This summer flew by way too quickly

I leave for my cruise in a week and three days
I dont want to go
I mean I do, but I dont
I always worry before cruises that im not going to find any friends and I will be a lonely person all week long
That has never happened, but it could
You never know
Atleast ill be with the older kids this year
Honestly, id rather be with the younger kids
I fit in better
I dont want to be "the innocent one" again
Damn good ethics DX

Fifteen;

Just the other day
she was a little girl
taking over the world,
with her smile,
but just the other day
I saw that girl
taking a tongue down her throat,
by a boy, who didn't give a damn

that she was only fifteen, cause she was more then willing
to take a chance,
to find romance,
to grow up fast,
but I, know she is so much better,
then to give it all away to the first guy,
first try,
first lie,
first goodbye.

Just the other day
she was a little girl
taking over the world,
with her laugh.
but just the other day I saw that little girl
taking her time with him,
and I cant say I've ever been so proud.

Cause she is only fifteen,
and she is more then willing
to take a chance,
to find romance,
to grow up fast,
but I, know she is so much better,
then to give it all away to the first guy,
first try,
first lie,
first goodbye

Christofer Drew gets it(:

So today is 15 months
Im so lucky to have Ryan
But im not even sure ill be able to see him before I leave for my cruise :/
I want to kiss him again
I want to lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat
I want to look into his amazing eyes
I want to tell him I love him in person
I want to hug him really tight and never let go
I just have to be patient and wait this one out

Half of my hearts got a grip on the situation;

Half of my heart takes time

Im sorry
Ill keep saying it but I know it wont fix things
I wish I could go back and change
I would have told you the truth
I should have told you the truth
I want to be your friend again
I miss you
I keep saying that I made this mess, so I have to deal with it
But it still hurts

Oh and this whole mom-dad fued thing is getting stupid
Yeah, I think he's an ass too
But just chill out, kay?

I miss Ryan
He got back yesterday from camp
Hopefully I will be seeing him Wednesday
Thats 15 months<3
Crazy, yet amazing(:

I forgot how much I love the movie Saved

Lets be generic;

If only I knew what that was

Its true, Ryan<33

And I miss you so much

I love you more then anything<3

I couldnt even begin to explain

Untitled Misery;

We're cool

Oh the late night pictures after not talking for months...

Anyways

Ryan leaves tomorrow

D: *sad face*

I guess I really need a life

Yeah, I do

I dont even know what to write

I just felt like writing

Im so great, yeah?

Are you running out of breath,

From running through my head all night?

I dont even like Stephen Jerzak

But that lyric makes me smile(:

I really want to see Eclipse and Despicable Me

But im not really a movie going kinda person

Id rather watch them in the comfort of my home

Yeah, cause my house is sooooo fantastic

My dads being an even bigger dick

Who knew his head could get any farther up his ass?

If he didnt want me, he should have used a condom

What a stupid little kid I used to be

I would say I would never stop being daddys little girl

Its hard to be daddys little girl when daddy doesnt care about you

Ohhhhh, what dysfunction

Its a wonder I have friends

Im just gonna lay down and watch Billy Madison

Story of my life

Open your eyes, open your heart

Every time im feeling like crap, I just have to hang out with Ryan and I feel great again
He can make me feel so special
Its totally amazing
I had such a great time being with him yesterday
We just laid there
So close, but not close enough
I feel like I can never get close enough to him
I was always so afraid to really look him in the eyes
I was afraid he would see how weak I am
That im not as strong as I make myself look
But I let all of that go
I cant hold back anymore
I love him more then I thought I could ever love someone
Im not screwing this up
I need him
He has become my everything
And I dont care how cliche that sounds
I need to stop worrying so much about things
I love him, thats that, and thats all that matters

Another day;

Im tired of getting reminded how much I suck
Im tired of not having any legit friends
Its another night that im stuck at home
While Ryan is out with his friends
Oh fantastic

I hate cramps
I feel sick

I love you

Uncool like you;

Im such a weird person.

SO.
Caseys back in the picture. *SHOCKER*
We had a girls night and it felt great to know I actually DO have friends
But things seem so different
Im still having a hard time wrapping my head around it
A few months ago you laughed when Levi tried making out with you
Now you are passing me
Me and Ryan have been dating almost 15 months
I feel like a failure
Like ive failed as a girlfriend
Even if Ryan says its okay how slow I move, I know it bothers him
I feel like everyone around me is moving and im stuck in one spot
WHY CANT YOU JUST TAKE THAT NEXT STEP TORY?!
Im a little kid stuck in a 15 year olds body
Personally im okay with that, but it cant be that way
God, when did things become all about sex?
I feel like ive lost sight of who I am
Of what I stand for
Im getting caught up in everything
Im a mess.
Im going insane
I miss middle school

Rants are wonderful;

Its summer and all I do all summer is sit here doing nothing
I eat 10 times more then I should, but I dont care
I should care because I need to keep weight for weightlifting
But I have time to work out
I say I will, but I know I wont
I have a fear of gettig fat
But its not bad enough to turn into an eating disorder
I love food and eating wayyy too much
Though I used to say I loved myself too much to even consider harming myself
But thats a different story
Anyways, there was a point in all of this
Since I have no life I read other peoples blogs
So I can see how thier life is
After reading some peoples, heres some stuff I have to say


Drugs-Dont make you cool. They are super gross and can really mess a person up. Getting high may make you feel on top of the world for a little, but in the end what do you really get out of it? You become addicted. You let drugs lead your life. What kind of life is that?

Drinking-Why cant people just wait until they are 21? Its really not that big of a deal. Its only a few years. Drinking compromises your thinking. You do things drunk you may very well regret sober. Im not trying to preach here but its just so stupid.

Cutting-When I see that people are cutting it makes me so sad. I just want to hug them and tell them they dont need a blade. Im willing to listen. I wont judge you, I promise. Ive told you this before, even though you dont know it was me, I think your scars make you beautiful.

You-You need some major help. Eating disorder, cutting, drugs, abuse. Its not healthy. You truly believe the blade brings you ultimate happiness and thats completly twisted. You dont even know that I know these things.

You-Your decisions are getting more stupid every time you make one.

Blah, im done here I guess
This world is so effed up
If 2012 is real, we deserve it
Hey aliens, have I given you enough info? Have I done a good enough job screwing up?

Why do things like this happen?

She's dying.
Her cancer has gotten way worse.
The doctors havent given her long.
She has three choices and she is leaning toward just giving up.
When you texted me and told me that my heart just stopped.
I almost cried.
She isnt even my mom and I feel like ive been stabbed.
This isnt fair.
I told you to be strong.
I told you to trust in her descision.
But I cant even take my own advice.
On Thursday you will be telling me what she decides.
Im scared.

Letting out my thoughts;

-You really have no clue how much you mean to me. I would do anything for you. Ive never loved anyone like I love you. Im still trying to figure how all this happened. I swore id never give someone the chance the chance to break my heart. I dont want to end up like my mom and dad. But I really believe you wont hurt me. I believe Friday proved that. You put a lot of effort into making sure I was okay with what went down. When we were laying down and you whispered you loved me there was no doubt in my mind that you were sincere. Thank you, you dont realize this, but you saved me. I love you. Always will

-Im sorry for the way everyone was acting at lunch Friday. I wanted nothing more then to join in, but I could see it was really upsetting you. We just really care about you. I hope you see that. I want to believe that she wont hurt you again. I want to believe she really has changed. But I just cant believe it. She is too set in her ways to change. I told you id trust you and im trying hard to stay true to my word. Just please, please, be careful.

-When you had Leighton give me back the notebook and I read it I very nearly threw it in the trash. I wanted to soooo badly. But I didnt because when im down, I know ill need some reminder that we did once have a really great friendship. You swear up and down you didnt replace me, yet you and Lidia went to Disney. Disney. It hurt a little seeing that. I still have your updates to my phone, god only knows why. Im taking you off my subscription list today. I need to let go a little at a time. I changed my mind, this is goodbye, because I cant fully let go if I dont say goodbye.

Call me a name, kill me with words;

Wow. I suck at this whole thing.

Well.
Me and Casey started talking again after that last post.
But it didnt feel the same.
Then she just dropped me again.
Ive stopped missing her.
Which I suppose is good.
But if its good, then why do I feel like a part of me is gone?

Ryan is the ONLY thing that keeps me going anymore.
God I love him.
I dont think he even gets how much I care for him.

Mothers being so stubborn.
I really really really need virtual school next year.
But she wont even consider it.
I really just cant do it anymore.
And she doesnt get it.
At all.
Shes pushing me too far to the edge.


Im scared.

Ive left my heart with you

I spoke to Casey today.
God I miss her.
It hurts.
I feel really broken.

Still dont know what to get Ryan
Helloooooo crappiest girlfriend award

Hey long lost friend.

December 28th.
Thats the last time I wrote here.
I kind of miss blogging
I got out everything
But at the same time re-reading that made me sad
Ive lost so much since December
I lost Casey, my best friend
Who I loved so much
Now I have no one
I mean, I have Ryan and a few "friends"
But no one I can turn to and talk to
She was the only one who knew everything
Everything dark that im too scared to tell anyone else
As much as I tell myself it was the right thing to do to let her go
I still am hurt everytime I see how much fun you are having with Lidia and Levi
Its like I never even mattered
Like you never existed

I want out of VHS
But mother refuses
She doesnt know whats going on
And I just cant tell her
So ill probably be stuck
Hating everything
The only reason i would stay is for Ryan

Speaking of, Wednesday is one year
Scary shit.